Fangleurs
by Jan of Arc
Summary: Written for BlakesBoogie for Sookie's Secret Santa 2011. The year is 2061. Sookie Stackhouse has been frozen in time due to a bizarre icebox incident. When she's defrosted, she finds that Vampires have taken drastic measures in their effort to mainstream.


**Fangleurs!**

_This was the secret Santa story I wrote for BlakesBoogie in 2011. The good news is - Sookie's Secret Santa is back for 2012! For more information and to sign up to write and receive a gift fic this festive season go to sookiessecretsanta . wordpress  
_

_This year, rather than having the unreliable and time consuming emailing back and forth, we've got a simple form for participants to use to join in with this event. Last year was incredibly successful, with over 40 SVM/TB writers taking part, and I think almost eveyone who took part had a lot of fun being Secret Santa and receiving gift fics.  
_

~2011~

It had been another ordinary day for me. Or, as ordinary a day as a telepathic waitress who is married to a fairly high ranked Vampire can have. I guess. My witch friend, Amelia, had come back to Bon Temps from New Orleans for a short visit. She left Bob behind this time; she felt that her apology for mouthing off about my broken blood bond should be done one on one with no audience.

I left her alone for six hours. That's all. Just six hours. And when I got back from my shift at Merlottes, I found my kitchen appliances moving around my house. Of their own volition (Thank you Word of the Day Calendar). I ran into the living room to find Amelia trying to fight off my stove with a broken broom and a can of super-strength oven cleaner.

"Ames? What in the hell is going on here?"

She whimpered many, many apologies as I picked up the poker from beside the fire and attempted to beat my stove into a corner.

"Sook, I just wanted to make things easier for you. I thought if I enchanted your kitchen, you wouldn't have to worry about cooking or cleaning! The kitchen would take care of itself."

I screamed as the microwave bounced against my leg. "Can't you undo it? Wave your goddamn wand or mutter whatever Latin hullabaloo you need to!"

I saw the fear in her eyes and knew that something very bad was about to happen. And it did. The refrigerator shimmied across the hardwood floor, its doors opening and snapping shut like a nightmarish Maytag Crocodile. The door to the ice box yawned wide and loomed toward me, the air from inside was the coldest thing I'd ever felt. Then I felt nothing.

~2061~

My legs started to move first, I could feel them pressed up against something. I pushed and whatever I was pressed against gave way spilling me onto my kitchen floor, shivering and blue with cold.

"Is anyone there? Ames? Eric? Anyone? I could do with a hand here."

I couldn't help my teeth chattering as I painfully made my way through the bottom floor of my house. Every joint screamed with the movement and my skin felt twice as tight as it usually did. Once I realised I was all alone, I shuffled into my bathroom and started running some warm water into the bathtub. Fortunately my brain wasn't damaged and I remembered that hot water would do my more harm than good. And to think I'd been reluctant to read that romance about the nurse and Doctor being stranded in the Arctic.

It had still been daylight when I got out of the icebox and it was full dark when I finally felt defrosted enough to stop topping up the bath with more warm water. I was disappointed that Amelia hadn't stuck around to help me out of my wild appliance but that was her MO. When she messed up with Bob she came running to Bon Temps to live with me, I bet she had high-tailed it out of the State to avoid being punished for this screw up.

I checked my phone to find I didn't have any messages. I thought that was odd but maybe I hadn't been in there long enough for anyone to notice I was missing? Everything in the house looked fine, so at least some tidying up had been done. For the first time I wished I had the bond back with Eric. He would have felt my fear and come to help me. I really missed him at that moment and decided to do something that I never usually do – go to Fangtasia to see him.

The number was programmed into my speed-dials and, for some reason, I felt nervous as I pressed the button. It rang for a short time before being answered by Pam.

"_Fangleurs – where laughter is the best medicine!"_

"Uh ... Pam? It's Sookie. What was that about laughter?"

"_Sookie? Hold on, don't go anywhere!"_

"Well, duh, I called you! Why would I go anywhere?"

I could hear frantic footsteps, like Pam was running, then Eric's deep voice came through the speaker.

"_Sookie? Lover it's so good to hear your voice – where are you?"_

"Uh ... I'm at home. Where else would I be?"

"_Well you've been gone for a long time ... almost everyone thought you were dead."_

"Eric, how long is a long time?"

"_You've been away for fifty years, Dear One, we tried to find a way to get to you but it was all in vain."_

"Fifty years?" I screamed down the line. "What the hell did Amelia do?"

"_Amelia ... was punished severely for her misuse of the spell. Come to me, Lover, let's get this all straightened out face to face. It's been so long since I saw you."_

I could hear the yearning in his voice and tears prickled behind my eyelids. I told him I'd see him as soon as possible and ran out of the house to drive to Shreveport. I had been under no illusions that Eric would drop everything and come to me, there were times when he simply couldn't leave Fangtasia ... or had it changed its name? I was sure Pam called it something else. The name change and her greeting about laughter had my interest piqued as I barrelled along I-20. All of my questions were answered when I pulled into the very full parking lot of what used to be Shreveport's premier Vampire bar.

"Fangleurs Comedy Club?" I spoke out loud, much to the dismay of the neatly dressed people in the queue. "We knock 'em dead every night."

I snorted and giggled as I made my way to the front of the queue. Pam was there, as usual, and smiled a fangy smile at me before coming out from behind her little podium to wrap me in a hug.

"It's so good to see you, Sookie. I never did find another favourite human after you."

"Uh ... thanks Pam. Is Eric in his office?"

She gave me a funny look before signalling to Indira to take over. I felt her link her arm in mine as she pulled me inside and into a small alcove.

"Things ... changed while you were gone Sookie. Right at this moment, Eric is on stage ... performing for humans and Supes. I think perhaps it's better if I just show you hmm?"

I nodded and followed meekly as she pulled me through a curtained archway. I could hear laughter and the thoughts of everyone inside pushed at my mental shields. But it was completely different to any other time I'd been here, before the thoughts were all sex, sex, sex but now everyone was ... happy. I spotted Eric on the stage; he still dressed as he always did - jeans and a t-shirt. His long blond hair tied back at the nape of his neck. He was beautiful.

"And then I said to him – I warned you it would cost you an arm and a leg so why are you complaining!" The crowd erupted in laughter; one woman close to me was wiping away tears with tissue. "But, seriously folks, you've been a great audience. Thanks for coming tonight and make sure you stick around for our next act – Were-Tiger Jonny Quinn Junior is here with his musical mirth mayhem!"

The applause hurt my ears and confused me even further as Eric grinned and waved at the crowd as he walked off the small stage. His eyes met mine across the packed sea of tables and I felt a tug in my chest, as if my heart was programmed to seek him out. Before I could think about that fully, he was in front of me. His big hands caught both sides of my face as he laid the mother of all kisses on me; I felt it right down to my toes. The sound of an electric guitar playing the riff from 'Foxy Lady' – very loudly – interrupted us.

"Woohoo Northman! Go get some!"

Eric grinned at the man on the stage and flipped him the bird before tugging on my hand so I would follow him. We weaved through the tables toward his office but just before we got there, Eric stopped one of the waitresses.

"Katie! This is my wife, Sookie, could you bring a Trueblood plus and a gin and tonic to my office please?"

Katie nodded and looked at me, her eyes full of curiosity. I dipped into her mind, interested to know what she was thinking.

_Wow, he said she would come back someday but no-one ever thought she would. She's not as beautiful as he made out, she's pretty but if Eric think she's beautiful then I guess that's what matters._

I smiled at her, she was absolutely correct. I was shocked to find that not much had changed in Eric's office after 50 years. The couch had been replaced and the chair behind the desk was also new, but everything was in exactly the same place. Eric held me close and sat on the couch with me sitting on his lap.

"It's so good to touch you, Lover, to see you, to smell your scent. Although you do smell a little different."

"That would be the fish sticks I spent the last 50 years hugging."

"Ah. Yes, your ice box adventure. It almost caused a war, you know. All of the Supes were adamant you had been kidnapped, Vampires were fighting Weres, Fairies were fighting Vampires ... just when everything was about to go into meltdown, Amelia confessed to her stupidity."

"What happened to her?"

Eric shifted in his seat and refused to look at me. "We looked for you for ten years, in that time a Supernatural council was created. When she told everyone the truth she was taken before the council and sentenced to death. Not just for casting an enchantment that resulted in an innocent being trapped in a kitchen appliance, but for waiting so long to tell everyone what actually happened."

I gasped and my hand covered my mouth. Amelia was rash and thoughtless but I didn't think she deserved to die ... then I caught a whiff of frozen burgers. I had lost fifty years of my life because of her and her misguided attempts to make my life easier! That was so much worse than finding Alcide in my bed wearing a mankini.

Katie came in with our drinks at that point. I sipped my gin and tonic and noticed the blue lightning bolt on the side of Eric's bottle of Trueblood. _Trueblood Plus – contains a drop of Fairy for extra energy._ Baffled wasn't the word for what I was.

"Okay, so I guess I need an update on where everyone is, what they're doing, why you're now doing stand up comedy ... I missed so much."

"Sookie, the only people that you knew from before you were frozen that are still around are Vampires ... oh and your brother – he's in a nursing home in Monroe."

"Jason? Wow, I thought he wouldn't live past 70. But Alcide, Sam, Claude, Dermott, Quinn ... they're all dead?"

"Alcide died twenty years ago, on top of his newest wife. He had ten cubs at the last count. Sam was sent to prison around 15 years after you disappeared."

"Oh my Lord! Why?"

"He married Jannalyn but I guess he got sick of being under her thumb. He shifted into a weevil and burrowed into her brain while she slept. It took him four trips to the police station for them to finally believe what he did."

"This is just crazy. So what about my fairy family? And Bill, where is he these days?"

"The fairies went especially nuts. They had planned to ... induct you into a breeding programme but were convinced that Vampires had turned you. I had to kill Claude myself; he attacked me with a silver plated fondue fork. You have to know I wouldn't let such an insult slide."

I nodded glumly and motioned for him to continue.

"Dermott is only presumed dead, several Vampires and Weres have claimed to have killed him but none had any evidence to prove conclusively that he was taken out. One of my spies swore blind he saw him doing a demonstration in carpentry at a branch of Home Depot in Wyoming."

"He _did_ like to build things."

"Hmm ... quite. Bill is running a Vampire themed amusement park in Baton Rouge, he's a Sherriff now."

I frowned and shook my head. "You run a comedy club, Bill running an amusement park ... what the hell happened? I get trapped with emergency meals and all of a sudden the Vampires decide that having fun doesn't include fighting and sex anymore?"

"Not quite. Remember I mentioned the Supernatural council?" I nodded. "There was a big fuss that the Supe community would never be able to mainstream if we catered to the lowest common denominator – in the Vampires case this was tourists and fangbangers. So we held an investigation and concluded that normal humans like to laugh and have fun."

"You had to _investigate_ what humans like? Doesn't _everyone_ like to laugh and have fun?"

Eric narrowed his eyes at me. "Yes, but you have to remember that many of my kind have differing ideas of what is fun."

Just then, Eric's cell phone buzzed in his pocket. He took it out and showed me the text massage he'd received from Indira.

_Jonny jnr finishing up – it's time!_

Eric grinned. "This is another reason I'm so happy to see you Lover. Pam said that if you survived your incarceration in the ice box, she would perform a one off stand up routine."

"She ... she didn't think I would make it?" I was offended, mightily. But my mood was changed quickly enough.

"Not at all, Sookie, Pam has had this routine down pat for the last 20 years. This is her tribute to your return!"

I was curious to say the least, and followed Eric out to the main bar to find Pam making her way to the stage. The audience were clapping wildly as she took the microphone from the stand and nodded to the crowd.

"You all know me. I am Pam, Pam I am." She smiled crookedly as someone coughed over to the left of the stage. "So, I don't get up on stage. I've never gotten up on the stage before but tonight is a very special night, Ladies and gentlemen. Tonight my favourite human of all time came back from a very long and lonely incarceration."

There were some gasps, I noticed a couple of people checking their watches. I bit my lip nervously, knowing that some comedians had fallen into deep depression after dying on stage.

"She wasn't in prison. Sookie had this witch friend, who tried to enchant her kitchen to keep it clean but Sookie ended up being _eaten_ by her ice box – what kind of friend does that to someone? I mean, I'm a Vampire and even I think that's cold."

Buh-bum-tsch.

"I was in the mall last week trying on a dress. I picked out my usual size but it was too tight, when I went to the girl at the desk she tried to tell me that maybe I'd put on weight." Pam raised her eyebrow at the crowd and they started to snicker. "Now, I don't know how much you guys know about Vampires ... and considering I was pissed off about the dress not being able to go past my thighs, I was a little fangy. So it was preeeeetty damn obvious I'm a Vampire. We don't change, ever; I've been the same dress size for almost 300 years. Does this chick think I rise every night and shave a couple of inches off my ass?"

I snorted as Pam mimed chopping the skin from her hips while making funny faces.

"I was human way back in Victorian England and, boy, you girls don't know how good you've got it! My days were spent worrying about things that a young woman really doesn't have to concern herself with now. Like – how much ankle is too much?"

Pam pointed to a young woman at the front; she was wearing a very pretty dress with a square cut neckline. It was a classy outfit in my opinion.

"Sweetie, my governess would have pissed herself if she saw me in an outfit like that. But the best thing about that time was the orgasms."

I saw some members of the audience looking at each other. I was confused; I always thought it was frowned upon for women to enjoy sex back in those days.

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel awful, I think it might be ..." Pam crinkled her brow and put her fist in her mouth. "Hysteria! Boom! You get taken away and someone comes around _to get you off_! My Mother was beside herself after four months of me still suffering from Hysteria. The Doctors tried everything – fingers, water, vibrators but then it all went wrong for me when they decided the only way to cure me was for me to get pregnant."

Pam shook her body on the stage in an exaggerated shuddering movement. "Thank your chosen deity for Vampirism! It saved me from a fate worse than death – Motherhood!"

The crowd laughed and clapped and Pam bowed deeply on the stage. "This is Fangleurs, I've been Pam Ravenscroft and you've been a wonderful audience. Thank you and goodnight!"

She left the stage to thundering applause and walked toward Eric and I were we propped up the bar. Pam and Eric doing Stand up, Bill running an amusement park, all but one of the warm blooded people I knew dead ... I had to wonder what else had changed in fifty years.

"Oh Sookie, I forgot to mention." Eric smiled at me. "We'll need to get you to apply for the Telepath Guild as soon as possible."

Geez Louise!

_A/N: Just to clarify the title - there's a chain of comedy clubs in the UK called Jongleurs, so that's where the Fangleurs thing comes from. I hope the new readers liked this and the rereaders enjoyed it just as much second time around! Remember to go to sookiessecretsanta . wordpress . com and sign up for SSS2012!  
_


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